Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Confide, trust and be brave

This is a post that took a long time to make it here. I have no idea how it will shape up, but I feel like writing and I won't stop myself.

In my post some days back, The Unbearable Randonmess of Being, I talked about how women are an inherently strong race. Their strength is of such a unique emotional nature that by default they end up taking a lot more than that is expected of any human, any other male or female in person, at that point in time or situation.

Woman, you are brave and strong, it is in your genes. But do not let this genuine natural benevolence come in your way.

Do you feel you are in a situation you don't deserve to be in?
Do you think you are made for better things, better understanding, love and compassion than what your immediate family spares for you?
Do you think you are unhappy but you can easily adjust to the situation and seek happiness even out of the present, however gloomy or disappointing it may be?
And do you bank on your strength to face sorrow?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, sit back and think. Confide, trust and be brave.

Do not bank on your feminine strength to pull you through sorrow. I know we are a strong race and can see ourselves through hell and fire. But why? Use your strength instead to find joy. Take a call, give priority to your individual well-being and stop gulping down sorrow, inequality or abuse just because you have an infinite capacity to hold your own in such circumstances.

No one will protect your dignity for you. And when you make a truce with the unfairness that is dealt to you, you lower yourself. Day by day, month by month, the compromises you make pile up against your original self-respecting self that was made of iron and steel. And yet, you woman, you are so strong, you find strength in your weakness. You take a deep breath, tell your mind you will see it through, and see it through. Why?

Why? And for whom? For your partner? For your husband who unapologetically prioritizes his work before you, your profession? For your in-laws who expect you to be the good homely homemaker who has swallowed her tongue? For some vague definition of society that will have its own negative opinions if you be brave enough to seek your joy? For your parents whom you do not want to hurt, burden or put through any emotional crisis you are certain you can tackle on your own? No. This is not the way. Woman, I know you will pull through on your own and smile like no one will ever know. But you don't need to. Confide, trust, be brave and move on.

Move on to seek your happiness without any sense of guilt. Woman, why do you think just because you are a woman and because your social position is much more intricately entwined to the smooth functioning of your family, you should continue keeping yourself as the last priority? Woman, why do you feel guilty for seeking happiness? You deserve it just as much as any undeserving chauvinist deserves it. Listen to no one who tries to tell you otherwise.

People will pull you down. They will try to snub you, supress you and keep you 'in your place' ever so subtly that you would not even realise how badly you have been manipulated till you gather the courage to break it all, move away and take in a breath of fresh, free air. Talk to your friends, talk to your family. Or talk to your maid. Talk to anyone who won't judge you. Listen to what they say, tell them you need love and warmth and you are not getting it where you now stand. And unfortunately even if their answer is a stereotypical representation of the downsides of being a woman, don't lose heart. If they tell you to hang on, take in a little more pain because it is likely to stop in future or because it is very likely that you will 'get used to it', tell them to go kick themselves in their butt. Impossible, I know. You can ask me, you know. I would take pleasure doing so.

But woman, listen to me. You be good and be brave. The world is waiting for you. I am waiting for you, to meet someone of my own kind, someone who is not free and happy by default, but who has actively sought her own happiness and self-respect and has gone through the pain and confusion that comes in between seeking happiness and resigning to the status quo.

And years after you have moved on, have gone through pain and discomfort not for some third party, but have consciously undergone the trouble and confusion of breaking away from stereotypes knowing that it is for your own good, no one can stop you from being happy. Use your strength to your own benefit. In our benevolence, we keep using our tolerance for others. For once use it for your own self.

Your strength is for a much more positive reason. To nuture, care, love and honour. Don't make your strength a tool for taking in more than you can take, for acknowledging sorrow and unfairness and yet making it a part and parcel of your life. Your strength, woman, is not a placibo. It is a power pill. Use it such. You are already so amazingly brave. It's now the time to make a conscious decision to 'be' brave. Be brave, woman. Move on.

-Gauri Gharpure

More such reflections on Life Rules

Day Opening March 16



Albino baby girl and her Mwila mother - Angola. By Eric Lafforgue