Saturday, December 18, 2010
Many people believe that cell phones are made out of cellophane. This is incorrect; cell phones are made out of cell phones, actually. That's called recycling, guys.
In the UK they are known as "Mobile Phounes," as British Law requires all telephones to contain an internal combustion engine and to be able to act as lifeboats if the need arises.
The history of this tool remains still vague, shrouded in conspiracy, lies, and pedal steel guitars. The beginnings of widespread cell phone use have not been clearly tracked, and investigators have been met with violent opposition.
To this day, human cities are filled with modern monkeys barking, whispering, blabbering, and yelling into these strange, small, usually rectangular shaped fruits. A variety of "ringtones", sounding unexpectedly in public, have provoked a recorded 7 large-scale riots, 26 strokes, 2 tsunamis, and 14 spontaneous births by pregnant women between the years 1642 and 1999. Perhaps most alarming are the "hands-free" phones, which, when used in public, make their users appear as if they are completely insane, talking excitedly to themselves while obviously alone. Also if you use a cell phone your head might a splode, sending chunks of brain and crap flying in every direction (known as 3G messaging). A unown reason for the origin of the cell phone is that the cell phone was originally created to let mafia members chat while on stakeout for the capture of the mafia's n.1 enemy, the mafia's boss's nieghbor's cat.
It is a proven fact that cellular phones emit massive amounts of radiation, which has been shown to cure cancer, AIDS, DDS in puppies, body odor and Tourette's Syndrome (compulsively shouting things like: "I'm here! Where are you?" or "What did your cousin want for Christmas?" in public places.)
Extended exposure to cell phone radiation can also affect the user's brain. Symptoms may include brain psoriasis, and liquification of the frontal lobe (similar to the effect from watching televisions). As well as the obvious effect of the cure of cancer/Tourette's, the radiation has also shown to be the leading cure of stupid. Common signs of stupid include, but are not limited to:
-Subjecting everyone on a crowded train to your Black Eyed Peas ringtone.
-Spending large amounts of money each month for 89kb jpg files which you could easily download for free.
-Upgrading your phone every two months.
-Using phone as a hockey puck.
-Liking the "Black Eyed Peas" in the first place.
-Smelling one's own farts.
-Using your cellphone for hunting with various game call ringtones or just throwing it at the critter
-Leaving your phone in your pants in the washer
-Slamming your phone against the ground like a football touchdown
-Complaining about the cracked screen of said phone
-Farting into your phone under the thinking that doing so will add to the iFart database
-Pretending your phone is a frighteningly large ejaculation probe
to be continued.
source: a friends (many friends)