Friday, June 4, 2010

The imaginary gourmand

I came to the sad realization a couple of weeks ago that I've been dead for more than 40 years. Not mentally or spiritually or economically or politically. None of those ly concepts have ever really reverberated in me like a tuning fork perched on a proctologist's chrome-plated megaphone of psychobabblanalysis.

No. I have been physically dead since 1967, although I never had the common decency to submit to an autopsy to help medical science find ways to prevent other terminal assholes, such as myself, from fouling human civilization for decades while not providing the authorities with any effective method of removing such assholes without violating numerous local, national, and international laws originally designed to prevent living assholes from becoming dead ones.

When I first had imaginary anal sex with my creator — who looks nothing like Mohammad, by the way, and only slightly like the gnarly dude from Nazareth — I wondered why any God would equip men with an inflatable meat puppet that so conveniently penetrated numerous openings in various lifeforms and inanimate objects.

I have yet to understand this basic human disconnect between physical reality and spiritual horse exhaust. If any of my readers have insights into why men have inflatable penises — regardless of race, religion, gender, political affiliation, sexual orientation, situational aesthetics, anal retention, or hat size — and why they are driven to stick in places where they are not wanted, please leave comments so the authorities know how to track you down.

This post is actually about how I recently started raising kittens for food instead of sex. Perhaps I have grown jaded after years of eating chicken and long pig, but I suddenly discovered an incredibly committed culture of rescue addicts who convinced me that it is immoral simply to euthanize abandoned kittens and puppies when they can be adopted by caring and discerning people, such as myself, who like thinking, drinking, and eating meat.

Next week, I'll post pictures of the recently acquired feline livestock and the planned recipe, and when they are ready to serve, I'll tell you how our guests received the dish, along with tips on how to make your kitten dining experience an event to remember.

Day Opening - June 4


Aurora, near Iceland