Saturday, September 26, 2009

Some interesting facts about Glenn Beck (1)

Glenn Beck was raised in Goverthing, a little-known village outside Manhatten that was evacuated and buried by the US military in the 1950s. It is believed that this formative experience led to his distrust of government authority and snow globes.

Glenn Beck, who raped and murdered an 18 year old girl in 1990 (while drunk), was not, in fact born, but built. He was originally created by Ron Jeremy as the worlds first anamatronic stunt cock, but malfunctioned, becoming fixed on "ass lick" mode. For several years he ran amok across the mid west, licking any ass that was unlucky (or maybe lucky, if you swing that way) enough to cross his path. The skills he learned as an oral/anal sex robot put him in good sted as a conservative pundit, as he came fully equipped with the skills needed to spew shit and lick George Bush's rear end.
Glenn Beck is 100% racist, which is why he works at Fox News. He has been promoted numerous times by Rupert Murdoch for spreading discriminatory rhetoric and attempting to brainwash those with IQ's under 65.
Fox News itself only makes sense to those who are legally retarded. In a diary of Beck's that was recently discovered, he admittedly repeated that he wished he was an African-American, Latino, gay Muslim and hates his life. "Why was I made white?", cried Glenn Beck, "I should have been made a minority and then people would like me better."
He eventually found work as Becko the Rodeo Clown, which would prove to be his first step into show business. He soon showed he had a great skill in distracting the bulls, as he had an innate ability to communicate with them, even seeming to learn their language and speak to them directly. This was skill he would retain for the rest of his life.
To this day, people who encounter Glenn often comment on how he speaks more bull then anyone else. Perhaps this is where Glenn's story might have ended, but one fateful day Rupert & Murdock decided to take a rest from attempting to control all media and took his family out to the rodeo. They saw some spark in this plucky, rotund, ass-licking clown and decided to make him a star.
Beck began his radio career when he won a local radio contest rigged by Rupert & Murdock to be a DJ for an hour, and was eventually granted a part-time job at a Christian Rock radio station. Rupert & Murdoch quickly arranged for Glenn to be kidnapped and reprogramed. His new mission was to infiltrate CNN and destroy that bastion of left wing anti-americanism from the inside (much as Anne Coulter had done to the conservative movement). A false back story was then created, stating he had been a washed up rent boy who found religion and became a television personality (which, if you accept Rupert & Murdoch as God, conservationism as a
religion and add in that hes really a robot, is pretty close to the truth!)
He secured a position as a TV host, with the bosses at CNN keen on his concept of a low brow, overly opinionated, soap box for ignorance format. CNN had been losing out in the ratings war to Fox's Popeye The Sailor Man Bill O'Reilly, who was slaughtering them in the key inbred-red-necks-who-cant-find-Iraq-on-a-map-but-still-want-to-bomb-it demographic.
The show has proved a massive hit, combining a heady mix of dumbed down news, ill informed opinions, childish banters against left wing opinions, right wing bias and lots of propaganda against which ever country America is likely to invade next. investigative news, insightful opinions from non-bias commentators, mature debates, and Keith Olbermans as a correspondant.
end of part ONE by Uncyclopedia.
For another interesting article about Glenn Beck, an ADHD person, recovering alcoholist, Mormon and 'I fear everything', 'Goebbels imitator read this

Day Opening - September 26

A thief!