Monday, August 3, 2009

Some facts about Istanbul (1)

Founded in BC 1453 by Ahmet Istanbul it is one of the biggest cities of all Eastern Europe, Northern Solar System and Local Star Cluster. When founded it was full of Greeks so the founder had to return it. Founded again in 1453 by Newton along with the General Relativity, electric vacuum cleaner and disposable dispose, although Leibniz claims otherwise.
Sonik II, "the Hedhehog" Pasha was the first mayor of Istanbul to install a subway system in 1843, which consisted of a curiously straight diagonal line that ran for, more or less, a kilometer. The mayor hired 433 moles that worked on "a day's work for a share of moles having laser eye surgery" basis that seemed to work for both parties, and the records state that the subway tunnel was completed in a month. The moles, now equipped with perfect eyesight, went on to become successful assassins; and were key members of the cult that was responsible for the assassination of the Austrian Archiduke, Franz Ferdinand among many. The Triple Entente avenged the moles by starting World War I, killing a lot of people and sabotaging the subway system by having Queen Victoria sit on it. Nobody died.
Ist*nbul's ruling system is, although it is located in the Turkish Republic, independent monarchy. Ruled by an evil emperor called Kadir Topbas, an X-Men Talent Academy graduate specializing on architecture. Citizens of Istanbul have been suffering the consequences of his rapid change of ideas, such as, "Let's cover the city with marble!.. No no, wait, make it wood." Istanbul has a fruitful economy; in fact city merchants profit on roadside railings, light fixtures, and manholes that seem to flourish daily on the fertile soil of the city, muuuuch later to be filled by minifigs at night.
Contrary to popular belief, there are no mosques in Ist*nbul. Most of them are optical illusions; some of them are decoys with a built-in container that ships the curious mass of tourists to other destinations such as Afghanistan; and the remaining were drawn on walls by the then visiting renaissance artist Wile E. Coyote, and apparently, only Road Runner can enter and pray in them. Coyote entered a decoy mosque later on, and for the rest of his life painted the captivating Afghan scenery.
The peak of Topbas' career, and the toughest of decisions has been whether the Bosphorus Bridge should be surrounded by horrendous purple lights at night. Although drivers are left semi-blinded by the sight, the general view looks very European, which leaves any other drawback merely as "no biggies.". To this day, 3 people have died from the ugliness of it. The municipality refuses to speak on the subject.
Yet another notable success on the history of Independent Kingdom of Istanbul has been to purchase 5 million dollar worth Hollandese tulips to make the city look better, so people would try eating tulips instead of shooting birds while they're stuck in the traffic for an average of 7 hours. On the other hand, "The Project of Nothing" is still under construction concerning the traffic problem. It is said to be eating a lot of the budget. "What can one do, it's all for us, knowing NothingTM is being done for the people ensures a good night's sleep." says Muhammed Godzilla, a citizen.


The current administration is currently putting up a TV-show called "Real Life Monopoly" with the producers of Big Brother where you can buy your own region from the city from the comfort of your couch and TV-set, and later charge real people (citizens!) rent and cause chaos.

The pilot episode of this show, graced by the existence of the Prime Minister, RTE, involves a Dubai company purchasing a lot and putting up a spiral twin towers to the horror of a crowd of citizens who have no idea that the peak of the towers have flame throwers that are going to burn them to a crisp (when it is finished).
The long-suffering citizens of Istanbul are also signed for another adventure called Gilligan's Island: the Exodus for 2009 in which the people are going to be deported from the city and positioned in a Greco-Turkish island in the Aegean Sea that is inhabited with goats and satyrs. Initial scouting proved that the crime rate in the island is expected to increase to a fascinating percentage of 78%, and the show will end in one 7-month season as the deported mass is anticipated to burn up rapidly.

source: uncyclopedia

9 comments:

Expat^Square said...

The very first sentence of your post "Founded in BC 1453 by Ahmet Istanbul it is one of the biggest cities ..."

Is it BC 1453, or AD 1453???

Who the heck is Ahmet? What happened to Fatih Sultan Mehmet, "The Conqueror"???

What heck do you mean "When founded it was full of Greeks so the founder had to return it. "???? I did not know that conquering Istanbul came with a 30-day return policy!!!??

I am not even going to touch the third sentence of your post!!!

I am sorry but your post is a crap! I did not even bother to read beyond the third sentence!

Please either correct the facts or remove your post.

Expat^Square

Internation Musing said...

I'M not going to remove a post since you don't like it and because you lack humor.

AkiVee said...

Some people seem to have a complete lack of humour. They should familiarize themselves with Uncyclopedia:)

Internation Musing said...

ah, forgot to mention my source in the hurry..(

AkiVee said...

Unfortunately the humorless people include some ultra-kemalist lawyers who could try to charge you based on the infamous penal code...or access to your blog can be denied by some court rule. There are completely indoctrinated people who cannot take any humour/jokes about their own country, as you know. It's interesting, we in Finland love the jokes about us i.e. Finnish people and the nation's history and we commonly laugh at those...

Claudia said...

Hans -
This is much more interesting and inviting than any travel book on Istanbul. When stucked in the traffic, I would much rather eat tulips than shooting birds. :)))

AkiVee said...

Anonymous: is it impossible for you to write something original, clever and creative? Why don't you ask the 15 year old boys next to you at internet cafe to help you with the language and content?

AkiVee said...

Someone (anonymous) seems to have forgotten to take his daily medicine. I'm sorry for Turkey to have such ignorant idiots as citizens. At least after living here for several years I have a good picture about the majority of the Turks.

If someone is hiding somewhere, it's a coward behind miserable and childish anonymous -title. Get yourself a life, child.

Sher said...

Hi Hans,
Pretty funny :0)

Have a great day,
Sher :0)